Senseless Loss

I just moved to Denver, Colorado. Just, as in we arrived late last Thursday night. It was very hard leaving my friends and family behind; especially those friends who have become my family. I’m going to miss them all very much.

I am still subscribed to all the local Seattle news affiliates on my facebook page. I got an alert about a stabbing in Lynnwood and that they were on the hunt for the murderer in the homocide. My thoughts were “I know somebody who knows that guy”, although there was no reason for this thought. It’s Lynnwood. One city up from Everett, WA. Everett isn’t exactly known for it’s lack of violence so it’s not a huge surprise and I put it off.

Later that night I learned that the victim was a co-worker of mine. He worked for me several times on a big project I was a part of running. He always had a smile on his face, and you could always count on him for some happy enthusiasm. It was never the fake enthusiasm, either. Jesus wore his heart on his sleeve, and I’d be willing to bet that if you needed it, he would give you the shirt off his own back.

My fiance is working weird hours this week, so he was asleep in the evening. I sat and stewed over so many thoughts, and even more tears. He wasn’t my best friend – we had never hung out beyond the walls of work and the smoke deck.

He stopped by my desk last week to see exactly when I was moving and made sure to tell me how much I would be missed, how amazing I am, and how lucky he was to have worked with me. I was on a call, so I couldn’t reciprocate much. Not as much as I now would have liked to. There are a few people that when I go back to visit Washington I was looking forward to be able to see again. We weren’t close, but his smiling eyes were definitely on that list.

I pain for his loss, the loss for his friends and family. It pains me even more that I’m not there to help support my friends and fellow co-workers in the loss of this wonderful soul.

I spent the next few hours crying on and off. I’ve never known anybody who was lost to an act of violence like this. I’ve never once known anybody who passed with so much life and love left to give. I pondered over all the things that naturally go through our heads: “What if I was there? Could I have stopped it?” Knowing full well that even if I had still been in Washington, I wouldn’t have been with Jesus.

Jesus is dead. Nothing anybody does at this point will EVER be able to right this wrong.

A few hours later I tried to man up and hold it all in. Peder woke, and I smiled to see him. I’m sure my eyes were red and puffy. I wrapped my arms around him. He asked what was wrong, and if I was okay. I said I was, but pulled him back to the bedroom and explained. I couldn’t contain the tears any longer. He asked if I needed to fly back to WA. I said that wasn’t necessary, but I appreciate the offer.

Being in the line of work he is in, he’s encountered death multiple times. Including having caused it. He made a point to make sure there were a few things I knew as I process this… and I feel it’s important information to share with the people who are also dealing with this loss.

There is nothing you could have done. It’s not your fault. While it hurts, and we wish we could have been there to prevent it from happening, we can’t. For our own sanity, we cannot dwell on those “what-if’s”. They can eat us alive. A senseless loss like this one is just that. Senseless. It will never make sense, even after we have all the details, IF we ever have all the details. This is one of those cases where there is no justice, and never will be. We cannot dwell to deeply in it. Living too far in this pain is unhealthy, and can lead down the wrong path.

To my friends: I love you all very much. I am sorry I am not there to help, to hug and cry with you. I know it will be awhile before some of you are ready to move past this. When you’re ready make sure you put a big smile on your face. That’s what he always did.

Watch “ALS Ice Bucket Challenge – George W. Bush” on YouTube

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge – George W. Bush:

Guns aren’t the Issue.

It’s always interesting to me how many people seem to think that guns are the issue. . . but they’re not. They never have been, and never will be. Canada has had shootings, and its not legal to have a gun there. Well, you can, but its a whole process is far more complicated than here in the United States. If you want to know more, check out the RCMP’s website. 

If you really take the time to study those who commit these crimes, then you’ll see a lot of facts emerge. Sadly, the left doesn’t really care about facts, so much as personal opinions and beliefs based on “feelings”. Its really as if the entire left is comprised of overly hormonal females. 

It’s important to remember that: 


Don’t get me wrong, the right has their share of morons as well. Ann Coulter, for example. While some of her ideas have offended me greatly, I have come to realize that most of the time I am severely offended it’s because she’s pretty accurate, I just didn’t want to admit it because it makes me realize who I am – and I don’t always like to do that. Other times (most really?), she’s just freaking bonkers. 

Most of the time the people who are committing these mass shootings are highly intelligent. Having to deal with so many people having a lower IQ than myself, I understand that being intelligent leads to a more difficult and complicated life. Because I am aware of just how stupid the general population is; however, to say that gun control itself will make the murders stop is incorrect. 

James Holmes picked the Aurora movie theater BECAUSE it was a gun free zone, and he isn’t the only one. The majority of the shooters know what they’re doing with the weapons. The majority of them spent a good chunk of time creating, developing and perfecting the details. The majority of them show signs of mental illness. I am pretty much completely anti-ObamaCare because I do NOT like to be told how to spend my money, BUT… if free health care means that these people who are mentally ill can afford to get, and maintain the medication they need to get through life [not that anybody NEEDS medication to get through life, but I would rather have them on medication if they can’t figure it out on their own, than not], then it will be worth it. 

But here is the REAL problem:

Our kids are self-righteous brats that are growing up into self-righteous murderers. 

There. I said it. Don’t deny it. Yes, there is the exception to every rule. and the odds are greatly in our favor that we won’t raise a murderer… but I guarantee that the odds are not in your favor that your kids aren’t brats. Mine is pretty great – even adults who don’t like kids are completely willing to chill with Londyn – but I talk to her as an adult, and she comprehends more than a lot of kids. . . but even she has her bratty moments [usually when she comes back home from her dad’s house]. But I do not hide reality from her, and she is much more capable and mature than most of the 6 year olds I’ve met.  I don’t tell her fantasy stories of magical fairies, and fat guys in suits that deliver presents, and I don’t completely hide her from reality. It is really any wonder that our children reach adulthood and aren’t trusting of the world? 

How great is it to live in a world where losing teeth garners you money, and a fat guy in a suit you have never met leaves you the most amazing presents once a year? And an Easter bunny leaves CHOCOLATE EVERYWHERE?!! Mommy and Daddy should be married and live together forever and agree on everything? Christopher Columbus was a sweet saint who found the United States? The pilgrims and the Indians [pardon me “Native Americans”] got together to celebrate? Johnny Appleseed wandered the country dropping apple tree seeds everywhere? Paul Bunyan had an AMAZING BLUE OX?

Okay, now I want a blue puppy. 

Oh, wait. None of that is true? Fuck & Me. I’m going to blow up the world now. Who wants to live in a world where none of this is real? HOW DISAPPOINTING??!

[and for the simple minded, since there are so many of you – I’m over generalizing on purpose].

We are encountering an era where being politically correct, and being happy and positive is how we “should” feel all the time. But the fact is we shouldn’t. Nobody has any right to be “happy” 24/7 if they can’t recognize what happiness really is. 

A girl won’t sleep with you? Why on EARTH do you think that killing her, or anybody will suddenly make your virginity disappear? Unless you’re Muslim, 72 virgins aren’t going to fall at your feet. 

You have to WORK to earn money? You have to work to be somewhat smart to get a job? You can’t just rob a bank and steal to survive? 

Happiness is a choice. I have lived through a life that explains my tattoos, my colored hair, and my piercings all too well, but it doesn’t mean that I get to walk around scouring and wanting to murder everybody. I don’t get to walk around entitled and make you bow down to me because I have had a pretty crappy life. A lot of us have lives that we didn’t like. I can sit and stew and blame everybody around me for the fact that I don’t live the life of the millionaire-TV-Rockstar type. 

My life will never be handed to me on a silver platter. And I’m okay with that. I work for my money, and I do fairly well for a single mother. Not as well as I’d like, but better than most — even if it doesn’t always feel like it. But I am happy. I have the love of a wonderful man, and I don’t need him. I can absolutely get by without him. . . I don’t want to, and I’m not going to – in fact, I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with him. But knowing that I COULD manage without him just makes how much I love and want to be with him that much sweeter, and honestly will probably make our relationship that much more survivable. 

We need to teach our kids that failure is okay. We fail, we get up, we try again… we fail again, we try again… and we keep failing until we look back and realize that every single one of our failures was actually success. We just weren’t capable of seeing it then. 

We need to teach our kids how to work. How to earn. How to be curious about the world. How to analyze. How to question. How to respect that our opinions aren’t the only opinions. How to respect others. How to respect ourselves. 

There are SOO many factors that are creating the world we live in. 

Here is the truth of the matter. If you reach a point in your life where you feel the need to go kill several people before you kill yourself, or end up in prison for life [and doesn’t THAT sound like a much better life than you have now?] please spare society the pain of your whining, selfish, assaholic deed and skip the middleman. KILL YOURSELF AND YOURSELF ALONE.

We are becoming more and more anti-suicide as a culture and there are several campaigns fighting against it. I have a TWLOHA tattoo on my wrist that lets you know I care – if you need help, or want to talk… and are thinking about offing yourself, I am COMPLETELY here to help. Suicide is never the answer. I have thought about it. Never seriously, but I won’t lie – the thought as crossed my mind. It would absolutely be easier if I weren’t here. Easier on me, anyway. But then curiosity gets to me. I will die in time. . . but I need to know what else is in store for me.  

I would still rather see somebody who wants to die kill themselves than to read about them taking the lives of innocent children, men and women with them. 

If this makes me wrong, I don’t care. If you have an opinion about it, there is a comment section below. I am ALWAYS up for political and philosophical discussion. I’m even willing to admit that I am wrong as much as I am willing to play devils advocate to keep the conversation and the mutual learning between open minds going. My thoughts and opinions are generally free-flowing. I do ask that you acknowledge and respect facts [isn’t it interesting that the ‘facts’ of something like Global Warming, and the Bible being non-sense are okay, but the moment facts come out about opposing opinion rationale and logic both disappear and it becomes a purely illogical “oh yeah, well you’re a stupid head” debate?] and 

The guns laws are already there. The solutions are there. WE THE PEOPLE [read it on my chest] are the problem. WE need to obey the rules that WE created. We the People means that WE [you and I] are the ones in control, and we can’t ever forget that. The government was created BY THE PEOPLE [oh, that’s us. The simpletons. The voters. The informed and uninformed] and FOR THE PEOPLE [yup, still us]. 

Happy Flag Day, America! Please never stop questioning everything around you. 





@Brendan_Hines Called Me An Idiot, and I didn’t even know who he was…

The other day I popped onto Twitter, something I like to do every now and then. I’ll randomly Tweet replies to people trying to insight thought into the world… or piss them off [which is really my true goal].

One of the first tweets I saw after the Seattle Pacific University shooting was this:


Anybody who knows me knows that I’m pro-guns; however, I am very much anti-guns-in-the-hands-of-stupid-people. To do this I feel we need to work very diligently on creating less stupid people. I have not exactly figured out HOW we are going to do that, but I have ideas. Lots and lots of ideas.

My response to the moronic quote above was simply:

If I had a gun and was there, that shooter would be dead. If more people had guns there would be less shootings, if any.

To which he replied:


He didn’t reply to my next Tweets:

Ah, incorrect. For example The CO theater shooter specifically picked the theater BECAUSE it was a gun free zone.

If everybody had guns, and nobody wanted to live there, at least the would have the power to make that true.

I would rather live where citizens were armed and able than live in a fantasy world where the insane are the only sane.

Its insanity to think gun control will stop the death.

It didn’t dawn on me until yesterday, but at the time I had no idea that the person I was tweeting to was actually an actor from one of my all-time favorite TV Shows, “Lie to Me” [Seriously broke my heart when that show ended]. @Brenden_Hines was one of my favorites. Kudos to your acting skills, you play an intelligent man very well. Clearly great acting! ;)

As a thinker, and a planner, its a scenario I have ran over in my head a million times over. Not ONE time I’ve run over this idea have I considered that the best option for me is to be not carrying SOME sort of weapon. That being said, its been about nine years or so since I’ve handled a gun, though I was raised with them.

Truthfully, I’ve avoided guns due to the circumstances I was in, and the PTSD [and TSD while I was in it] from a severely emotionally abusive [or as one friend put it, torturous] relationship that has affected me on many levels. I sold the S&W .380 my dad gave me when there were visitors over at my and my then boyfriends house to pick up various forms of non-prescription recreational … yeah, I’ll just be blunt. Drugs [Weed, Mushrooms – the plants. Nothing really crazier than that.]

I wasn’t comfortable knowing that people knew there was a weapon in the house. At that point, the gun didn’t scare me, but the people around me terrified the crap out of me. It DEFINITELY didn’t help that I took this boyfriend shooting and he didn’t understand, know, or care to know and understand “The Rules”. It is VERY important if you’re shooting with me that you live by these rules. If you wave the gun around like a dumbass, then it’s clear you don’t understand or respect what is in your hands and it very well MAY go off unintentionally.

Aside from all of that, the issue with the world is NOT the weapon itself, but rather the people who are weilding it. We don’t need to take away guns from people. If we took away things that killed people then life as we know it would be AWFUL.

In 2012 there were 34,080 deaths from automobile accidents.

So much for cars! Clearly we don’t know how to use those.

In 2012 there were 69,071 deaths from Diabetes.

Damn you sugar, you gave me the sweet, sweet taste of death.

In 2012 there were 31,672 deaths by firearm in the United States.

(Somehow that feels a little high to me…)

In 2012 there were 8,855 murders by firearm in the United States

(Ah, there. That feels a little better. Where the hell are the rest of those numbers coming from?!)

Total ADD Moment:
At this point in my research, the numbers are hurting my brain. It’s 1am. Why am I still awake?

The United States is the Number 1 country when it comes to Rank of Ownership, that is, we have the most number of guns per capita at 88.8 firearms for every 100 people [damn, I didn’t expect that number at ALL.]

While the United States may have a large ownership of guns, we don’t tend to carry them around. I won’t lie, having a gun next to my bed is incredibly comforting, but what good is it if I’m not there? What good is it if its on the nightstand safe when I’m in the mall parking lot at night? What good is it if I can’t carry a weapon from work to my car when I park in a dark alley? What good is it to not even allow me to carry it in my car at work if I have to drive to the city later that day?

If I’m in a parking lot in the middle of nowhere, hell– the middle of somewhere!–and a gun is pulled on me [likely by a criminal who already isn’t allowed to have them], what should I do?

What good does ownership of a weapon do if we’re not allowed to have it with us when we might need it the most?

There are a LOT of things to consider in The Great Gun Debate, but the biggest one to consider has nothing to do with guns at all, and it has EVERYTHING to do with our children. I feel this blog is really going to need to become more. . . s0 more t0 come.

Despite all of this, I was watching Suits last night and saw Brendan on TV. I giggled and pointed and squealed “Hey, that’s the guy that called me stupid!”.

Brendan, thank you for once again making me realize that there are people out there that are irrational. I would be happy to discuss this further, but I’m pretty sure you’ve already made up your mind to stay closed.

[Now, if only I could convince him to adlib my name, “Eternity” into one of his lines as an acknowledgement to agree to disagree… what? I’m a writer… Girls got to have hope somewhere, right?]

Dear Addict

It pains me to see your mother hurting so bad for you. If only you knew and understood just how much she loves you. But you can’t because right now you’re selfish and the only thing you can see is your wants and you “needs”. I promise none of this has to continue. The pain. The suffering. The anger. The anguish. The fear.

There is more to life than just expecting people to hand you things; in fact, if you live your life expecting everything to be handed from you then your soul has nothing to be happy about. We reap the most self-assurance, and confidence and even happiness from discovering that we can take care of ourselves AND others. That we CAN count on ourselves to make it through and live another day. The fact that you act as if life should be handed to you on a silver platter may explain why you anger so easy, and hurt the ones you love. But you’re locked in such a red rage that you can’t even see just how miserable your actions are making everybody around you. 

It doesn’t have to be like that. You do have a choice. You do have the ability to rely on yourself, but you have to humble yourself to the experience. You have to open your eyes and realize that this world isn’t a bad place. There are bad things that happen. Your feelings will get hurt, but those are moments to learn. Those are the moments when you have to step back and realize that you don’t feel the way you feel for the reasons you think. There is far more to it then that. 

You say you’re angry because your mom won’t take care of you; but in reality, you’re angry with yourself because YOU won’t take care of you.

You won’t settle for less than $20 an hour?!? How ridiculous is THAT!? If nobody is willing to hire you at $20 an hour, you need to start out at minimum wage and work up. Prove you are WORTH $20/hour. Start at the bottom. Nobody EVER said it was going to be easy. Working minimum wage isn’t the most fanciful life. But with dedication, and hard work and a good resume, you CAN eventually find $20/hour. I’ve been working non-stop for 13 years and I still don’t make $20/hour. 

I can’t afford everything I want, but I can afford everything I need. I understand the reasons for saying you won’t settle [but sadly, you’re settling for way worse]. My life isn’t peaches and cream. If I was given a choice to draw out my perfect life even 10 years ago, I would never pick even half of what I have now because I would pick something better for myself. I’m amazing. I know that. I deserve better, right? Don’t we all? But sometimes, you just have to deal with what you have and keep working to make it better. And for me, it gets better and better with each day I live. Each step I take, and with each difficult moment I make it through, whether on my own or with the help of those I love, and who love me. 

I have never met you. I honestly know incredibly little about the situation. I did, however, marry somebody who is a bi-polar addict. He never dove as deeply into the world of drugs as you have, at least not for very long. But being hurt by him emotionally and physically taught me so many things and how to see the world for what it really is. 

I matter. I can’t let ANYBODY tell me that I don’t. If they don’t see that I matter, then I don’t have time to waste on them. This speaks of you also. You matter. Your mother matters. She is a wonderfully sweet-hearted woman who cares for you on levels that you’ll never be able to understand.

Nobody ever guaranteed happiness. Happiness is a choice. You can’t chase it down with drugs. Nobody has ever won with that method. 


But none of that will ever matter if you can’t take the time to sit down and listen to your own heart and mind. None of that will ever matter if you keep ignoring what your heart has been telling you for years. 

I can tell you a million truths about yourself that will open you up and wreck you into tears, and I have never met you. Because I love and care about your mother I chose to write this. You may never read it, but you already feel it.

I pray someday soon you’ll begin to live it. 


Proper Wages

As I realize a large part of my position is helping people who have been here years longer than me do their job I realize they also likely earn more per hour than I do. Since Seattle is seeking an outrageous $15/hour minimum wage it makes me ask the question: rather then based on tenure and “experience”, what if wages were determined by competence?

I know what would happen, competent people wouldn’t find work anywhere and we would have everything ran by the incompetent because they cost less.

Why are we not paying government officials what they are worth?

Things that make you go “Hmm…”

I am going to preface this with the fact that I’ve been watching a rash of YouTube videos that are completely and utterly ridiculous. Please expect this post to be nothing more than a reflection of that. My brain has left the building and I’m just typing the words that are scrolling through – this doesn’t mean I believe what I am saying. Entirely.


Conservatives are anti-abortion cause you can’t tax ‘em if they’re dead.

Liberals are pro-abortion choice because it means they won’t have to hold up the “we’ll take care of you” end of their bargain. 


Personally, I’m pro-first-trimester-choice. That would make an AWESOME bumper sticker. 

After that, you’re screwedpunished with a baby“.


In 2009 there were 420,000 children in foster care. 108,000 children are located in a group home, or “other,” whatever that means [Stats available here]. All I know is it means there are 108,000 children in the United States that don’t have foster parents or family that have taken them on. Financially and time wise, I barely have time and money for my own child… but being a foster parent is on my “To Do” list when my life opens up the opportunity. 

I’m also of the belief that if you’re ANTI-abortion, then you need to sign up to either be a foster parent, or adopt a child. 

Well, I started writing this sort of joking anyway. I’ll have to clarify more when my eyes aren’t so fuzzy and I can actually see the words I’m typing. 

What are your thoughts on the matter?



City Life is So Restricting… and I hate it.

Talk to me for awhile, and its no surprise at all that I despise living in the city. I grew up in the country, and have a deep longing to get back to who I am at the root of myself. 

I like being around people sometimes, but there are just too damn many people around here. 

I grew up on roughly two and a half acres of land with a quaint 4-bedroom manufactured home. It was nice because we had neighbors that were near and dear to us, but if we wanted our space and privacy – we had that, too. 

If I wanted to pull out my BB gun and go target shooting in the yard, that was no problem at all. It was easy to know who could possibly be behind your target when the lot behind you is nothing but acres and acres of grass or corn. If dad was feeling goofy and wanted to turn his stereo up really loud, we could do that, too. And not a single cop would show up for a noise complaint. In the city, sometimes it seems as if the cops are called when somebody sneezes too loudly. 

If we wanted to grow our own food, we could dig up the earth and make a feeble attempt at growing corn. Sure, it’s only like 3 inches long, but it still tasted great! 

When I was 10 I got a crossbow for Christmas. Nothing too crazy, but man did it feel awesome to have gotten something so cool! When I was 12 or so I got a re-curve bow from my mothers boyfriend. There was nothing like setting up the foam deer, strapping on the arm guard and discovering I had something that felt like a natural talent for sailing an arrow straight through its little foam heart. 

I grew up in Everson, Washington. One point three square miles [832 acres] with 2,400 people, and surrounded by vast acres of farmland with even less people, and not a single stop-light to be found. You could drive the 4 miles to the grocery store pretty quick and only have to deal with 3 stop signs. 

But now I live in Everett. Fourty-Eight square miles  [31,033 acres] and packed with 104,000 people. Its a little congested up in here. There are cars everywhere. People everywhere. Stores everywhere.

Today I went to Cabela’s for the first time. A magickal store filled with all sorts of things that I wish I could have has hobbies either again, or for the first time. I would love to teach my daughter how to use a bow, but the only way to do that is to have a TON of land where she can safely miss, and we just don’t have that here. Hell, I don’t need television. I’d rather be outside with my own bow or rifle plinkin away at empty soda cans and getting my revenge for any and all papercuts I’ve sustained over the years [you’ve had a papercut, you know that paper sometimes deserves to die!].

There are other things I would love to do with my life, that I feel are more where I’m meant to be than I currently am. Why am I paying $1-$1.50 for onions or green peppers, when a few hours of labor and love and I could grow and freeze my own to last all year? Same goes for all the fresh foods I commonly eat… Asparagus, Carrots, Spinach, Basil, Raspberries and Strawberries. . . not to mention, I’d probably eat more Beets, Green Beans, and Peas if I grew them myself. 

There are many other aspects to city life that are unappealing. If I let myself dwell on it too long, I begin to loathe myself and the trade-offs I’ve made for who I should be, and what I am. 


Stop Living the Lie

If our job and purpose on this planet is to help create the utopia of world peace, and there are people in the world who will never abide to the concept, and if sometimes to be a good leader you need to tell people they are wrong then is a good leader somebody who can give a direction of murder to accomplish the ultimate goal?

When does destruction save us from destruction? When does death save us from death? When does theft save us from thieves?  

When will we all stop wasting our time, our lives, our friends lives, and our families lives? When will we stop wasting the lives of our children?

When will we realize that every single one of our parents and their parents, and their parents have lied to us for generations and generations?

When will we all stop and realize it is up to us to both live and teach the truth? For the sake of the world, only we can stop the lies by deciding to stop living the lie ourselves.


Rant: Cherry Halves (Artificially Colored)

We’ve all done it, numerous times. Opened that can of fruit cocktail, poured it out and hungrily searched for that juicy succulent cherry… only to to discover (yet again), that you have instead put a piece of wax in your mouth. It was NOT a cherry. It was some fake monstrousity that can barely be called food.

And yet, on every can of fruit cocktail those enticing cherries call out to you. And every now and again you dig for one in your great aunts fruit salad thinking they’ve smartened up.

And every time you’re wrong.


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